Cuisine Apocalyptique


AckAckAck's picture

Living in an earthquake prone country me and my people prone to never keep emergency rations, and most of us hate canned food anyway (they taste like chemical, how do you guys stand that kind of food?). Otoh, because canned food is unpopular here we never know about Hello Kitty canned pasta. Even though it could be an awkward moment during the Mad Max moments.

Guy A: What do you eating?

Girl A: Cat.

Guy A: Oh, you mean cat food.

Girl A: No, I said, cat! c-a-t, CAT!

Guy A: Oh.... okay....


Guy A: Can I have some?

Fuseblower's picture

My cat, who is basically paranoid about everything (he won't spend much time outside, because he thinks it's dangerous) is distinctly unimpressed with this.

crazydan05's picture

Don't forget the Gummy Bears and Candy Hearts, Ms. Angela!

OneUniverse's picture

That's gotta be better than the cheap mac & cheese I'm going to be surviving on during the plague.  

IcyMidnight's picture

If the plague doesn't kill you, the scurvy will!

Brian Minton

There is a solution to scurvy:

miasaki666's picture

chicken and rice soup. P: that or italian wedding. (i like fancy canned soups when I'm too lazy to make them myself.)

greg's picture

But...there's a raging fire behind you.  Heat up those kitties!

Andrew Kunz

At least it's not the Hello Kitty vacuum or the Hello Kitty Vibrator. Seriously, Sanrio is everywhere.

omniwarrior's picture

That 3 day stuff is garbage. Seriously, if you don't have at least a weeks worth of foods that do not spoil in your pantry, you are in sad shape. Rice, beans, pasta and for me, canned tomato sauce: you have enough cooking ingredients for quite some time. I have my propane grill for cooking and water can be found in nearby creeks for boiling to cook and drink.

I work in a data center with a 1.2 megawatt generator and enough fuel for a week, someone else can pay for my preparedness there. I told my boss if we have an emergency like that, I am moving in to the conference room.

CrazyAlmostCanuk's picture

Agreed. But your pantry might not be accessable. A "minimum of basics" in your car, and an even more limited base, in the event of building collapse, is not unreasonable, for the paranoid.

rbos's picture

Get the woman a kitty, stat!

Shipoopi's picture

Stock up on MRE's.  Long shelflife, compact storage, and if you have water (even dirty water!) you can eat them hot!  Just don't add them to the daily rotation for quick and easy meals...they aren't that good and are loaded with calories...

CrazyAlmostCanuk's picture

They're also too expensive to think about rationally as a solution. The military uses them for field meals (2 of three, a day, usually), and in relief packets specifically because of the carb/calori load, and ability to stack CASES of bulk packaging neeatly.


Thus, unless you are intending to carry an approimately 0.7 X 1 X 0.25 meter cardboard box of them along with you, all you have are high cost "dry camp" meals. You can get better, more varied, and cheaper "camp meals" at any outdoors store, that are often packaged SMALLER than individual MRE meals.

However, one thing people seem to constantly miss is a hand-crank generator. They take a bit of work, but you wouldn't believe the juice they put out. These are objects of about 7-8 kilos in a box about the size of a 1L milk carton, plus or minus, with a crank that has a fold-out arm on it.

With one of these, you can stun fish in a normal lake, to the point that for about 10 yards radius from the point where the leads hit the water, hard enough that they float to the surface, and stay there, for up to a minute. Just by dropping leads into the water, and giving a few hard and fast turns of the crank (3 or 4 usually does it). It takes less than two minutes on one of these to fully recharge 8 standard cell rechargables on a cradle. I've even used mine to recharge my iPod while camping (took a bit of application of technical know-how, but anybody on here that is lacking the level of knowledge needed to make these mods probably doesn't get half of Jammie's jokes).

Assuming an ongoing apocalyptic event, as Jam seems to, this brings another lightweight, but effective, weapon to hand. A couple clips designed to bundle and hold cable groups, mounted on one rail of a rucksack, and you have a 30" cattle prod to handle zombies, obnoxious humans, or anything else that comes into close range and has a weakness in the form of loss of control of motion or function through the induction of lots of volts, hitting real hard, in a concentrated area. 30" because it avoids the "if I can shock him, he can stab/bite me" issue, and, coupled with the crank genny, it is NEVER rendered useless by lack of ammo.

And, regardless of predatory can, and will, power electric coil portable stove coils, heaters, or signal lights.

That's an "at home extreme emergency kit" covered, as well as the basics of a "widespread emergency" survival load-up.

As for "it hits while I'm at work, and I'm unable to get home" type event, like an earthquake collapsing the office on you...well, people are going to look at you awfully oddly when it becomes known you have 3 or 4 days worth of 2 meal a day emergency rations, and a four or five full liters of bottled water squirrled away in your desk.

Oh...for the TRULY paranoid, who are willing to spend the money (and it's a good investment if you are into outdoorsey sports that hold a chance of you being left stranded in the "outback" for any extended period), there are "camelback" water packs that have built-in filtration systems that will make almost any water safely consumable. To the point you can pull a "survivorman", and pee in them, to keep water available for longer, and be drinking pretty much pure water when it comes back through the drinking tube. And bringing a camelback water pack in to work every day, and tossing it under your desk, isn't as wierd as holding several liters of bottled water in a drawer. Especially if you tuck it in a bag with your "workout clothes", so it's not as noticible.

My God, but I've put too much time into thinking about such things.....

Shipoopi's picture

You can find a case of 12 MRE meals for less than 80USD.  A stardard MRE contains enough food to sustain the average individual with a little bit of survival know-how for up to three days.  Additionally they are pre-packaged with items such as matches, instant coffee, napkins(tinder), candy, and pepper sauces that can be used for a variety of things.  Thats less than 8USD a meal for something that is ACTUALLY smaller in packaging, higher in calorie count, serves as a mini survival kit, and less expensive (with "camp meals" between 10-20 a meal depending on your tastes) then the junk sold at sporting goods stores.  If you want some nice fluffy eggs in the morning then go with the sporting goods meals.  If you want to keep alive for several days and are looking for a rational solution (get it?...ration?) then the MRE is far superior.  

Of course, I'm not concerned with the "zombie apocalypse" know...its fantasy thinking.  I'm more concerned about what happens if I get lost hiking or my vehicle breaks down in the middle of no where with no cellular coverage.  If I wanted to protect myself from "zombies" then I would stock up on steel core MK318MOD0 and build that 10.5" upper for my AR 15 (which would fit in a "survival" go-bag and SBS build for my Remington 870.  Then and only then would I use them for traveling out to a remote location somewhere in the woody mountains...

CrazyAlmostCanuk's picture

Dunno which camp meal companies you've been looking at, but the ones I've been picking up are about the same per. Wasn't aware of the MRE prices dropping that much, but Mountain House is still cheaper than the cheapest MREs I could find ($70), with the most expensive 12 meal cases running $40. Granted that's 6 double meal packs, but in survival circumstances, that's acceptable, since a 2 meal pack is less than half the size of an MRE, and can be binge eaten, which is not a bad thing in survival situations.

The "powdered drink"...I basically lived off MREs for 9 months in 90-91. Even if coffee were desireable in such circumstances, you'd have to be dying to use that stuff, even as a caffeine addict (and coffee isn't a good idea, anyhow). The coacoa powder has pluses and minuses, in that it is a huge sugar boost, but it also has zero, or in sone cases, negative, hydration value (that is, it will wet your lips and throat, but your BODY doesn't get to use that water). The juice drink in an MRE is kool-aid. A 12 pack of singles for 3 bucks.

The bread/cracker included in every meal in an MRE is an advantage, as only certain Mountain House meals include starch in bread form. But they al carb load through starch, by replacing bread with pasta, if no bread is available.

A napkin is horrid tinder, HORRID. It burns too fast, and with too little heat, to be even preferable to direct application of a map...or even a flint and steel. To get a fire going off a napkin, you'd need such fine wood shavings to build up on that they'd catch better directly off the match.

Survival matches...I'm a smoker, I am an oddball. I constantly have a cylinder pocket pack of self-striking waterproof matches (Canadian manufacture, by the way...coated in some sort of varnish that burns hotter than a plain match, and smells good). MRE matches are standard (non waterproof, need a striking strip). No advantage to MRE, there, in my case.

Hot sauce. Only possible use I can think of for it is in flavoring food. It CAN be a repellant for mammals, but MRE "one-shots" contain nowhere near enough for these purposes. You'd need to eat a full case worth of the three or four meals that have it, to get enough to use this way.

Candy. Good point. Both for energy, and works well as bait for certain small game. Will have to add some cheap hard candy to my kit.


Overall, having had extended experience with the MRE, I still find other sources cheaper, more compact, and tastier, and not missing any of the important aspects of MREs that can't be replaced for less than the difference of cost, and still have the whole "food kit" be smaller than an equal number of meals worth of MREs. There is only ONE meal from an MRE I might find desireble enough to give up the advantages in size and weight...the tuna noodle one. With tobasco.


Yes, "zombie apocalypse", taken literally, is "fantasy thinking". But used as a rough term for "high contagion, better to avoid contact with humans" disease epidemic (quite possible, in reality. In fact, Bird Flu seems to be workign very hard at adapting to  work this way...part of why the medical community has been watching it with a wary enough eye that the rest of us know they're watching it), it works, quite well. Though I'm pretty certain nothing would come down through nature to actually putting me in a position of "shoot anybody who's infected and comes near me".

Nira's picture

I will probably be crawling to my mum's house crying for food when the apocolypse happens. She has a very well-stocked pantry and garden. =)

tarafrye's picture

For a while there I thought you bought cat food so you could lure in cats and BBQ them.  

BobIsAPerson's picture

Hey, if the world ends in flames you'd never have to worry about eating anything in your 3-day supplies cold. ...unless it's thermonuclear flames, then you might have to be careful about heat sources...

Sidhekin's picture

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of cold lentil soup,
I hold with those who favor fire.

FunkyTuba's picture

*makes a note to put some fun cans of stuff into **our** earthquake kit*

kitty shaped stuff would probably go down a lot easier into our 4 kids' traumatized gullets in a serious trouble situation

SpacePodiatry's picture

If you are looking for tinned food that doesn't taste horrible I would reccomend PEK (a polish tinned pork, its really good) and Patra Leaves (if you have something to cook it on, its indian and its really nice, you take it out of the tin and slice it up and then you fry it).  Tinned custard is often very nice as well and with tinned fruit its great (but not sure how available it is outside of the uk).  Also you can get quite a lot of nice dried and tetrapacked things (if you can get it there is a long life alpro choclate soya drink that rocks! It comes in little cartons with straws for ease of use. Also where I live you can get these little polish sausages that are vacumn sealed that seem to last for ever and are very nice, can't remember what they are called though).

Uzura's picture

I currently live in California in the ring of fire with mountainous regions everywhere and I use them to judge where I am. We are fortunate enough to note that earthquakes of Japan's magnitude will never occur here. In adolecence we are taught to go under desks. If a 3 story building or more collapses on you, would you Trust a dilapidated, rusty, 1950's style fold-open desk? I hope not! In an earthquake, avoid stairwells and jump towards filing cabinets, dense stacks of paper or other things and get into the fetal position. The cieling will collapse next to you and make a tent for you to survive in. People who are search and rescue find many lucky survivors in schools were people not at a desk (naughty in a corner ducked under a cabinet). Also, doorways can collapse and crumble depite their purely theoretical security.

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